The psychological backgound
Many of us are brought up by their parents using the method of withdrawal of affection. We have done something wrong, we may not even know what, or been somehow not good enough, and the response from our parents is disappointment, disapproval, the withdrawal of active expressions of love. This can be quite subtle, the parents would probably deny that they are punishing the child, but to the child it feels existentally threatening. The child feels a fear of abandonment, emptiness, a lonely ache in the belly and in the first chakra. The nourishing life force of love and approval has been cut off.
The child longs for contact, a reconnection with acceptance and life. It longs to be given energy again. But what energy is possible when it has been bad, has been a failure? Anger, punishment is the only credible contact. And, although fearful, even this is better than the nothingness, the deadness of being cut off. So, trembling, the child desires what it fears: a punishment in the form of contact, to receive the anger directly where the empty aching is, in the first chakra. This is not so much a desire for pain as a longing for an intensity of contact, intense enough to feel met in one’s (“bad”) self. Part of the desire is for the intangible, confusing, psychological punishment to become tangible, clear and physical. If directed to the first chakra, the bottom, the existential punishment is transformed – the message is “you are there, you are worth getting angry with” – and the gift of energy is received with a surge of sexual aliveness. Vague feelings of guilt are purged from the body in the sexual area where they are located and one feels purified, renewed, grateful for a new start.
People often get interested in the BDSM scene because it addresses their unconscious desires without revealing them. (Some people seeking bdsm experience from private mistress or escort services) The use of fetish gear, leather, rubber etc. can play an important role in coming out with these inner desires, stepping through fear and secrecy and feeling a sense of identity in belonging to a new “family” in the scene. Dressing in fetish gear can disguise and compensate for childhood feelings of shame and vulnerability. The child’s feeling of humiliation is often acted out, but if the desires are not connected to their roots then healing is not possible. Instead we repeatedly act out these desires – pleasurably, but without healing, so that each time hunger is appeased but the spirit not nourished and we soon feel hungry again. When desires stay unconscious in their origins, even if given space and permission in BDSM rituals, they can often acquire an obsessive compulsive character.
The tantric domina
In the erotic Tantric massage, As a tantric ritual, this healing intense contact is given to the first chakra in the external form of a punishment but increasingly with the energy of an erotic celebration. The celebrant emphasizes the pleasure in giving the contact, so creating the permission for the receiver’s pleasure. The whole system of moral punishment is transformed into an erotic role-play, with healing, pleasure and erotic affirmation as its sole purpose.
The tantric domina offers this ritual of pleasure not as an unconscious acting out of desires or drives but as a conscious healing ceremony with awareness and acceptance of the experiences which need transforming. There needs to be an atmosphere of respect, and even if anger is role-played, a fundamental giving out of love.
To achieve this, the tantric domina must have worked through her own issues with men and cleared unconscious anger, revenge or desire to punish. She must be free of morality and be able to lead the ceremony from a place of heart, of love and compassion.
The dominant top in BDSM is usually looking for the same transformation as the sub/bottom, but vicariously- ie. the sub is going through the transformation for her. The tantric domina needs to have explored and experienced the transformation in the sub role for herself and be not fixated on her dominant role, but able to switch freely and understand the energies and process of the whole scenario from all possible roles – dom, sub, judge, witness – being able to hold all from a place of heart.
The tantric domina will look to create as much real contact as possible, emotional, energetic, and spiritual, and express love and tenderness as well as karmic serenity through the discipline. She will look to create freedom, not only the freedom to express dark desires and “out” them, but the freedom not to have to use the form of power over and under to experience intensity, contact and love; she will create a palette of possibilities of enjoying intense energy and deep contact. She will set the whole experience in the context of a sacred ritual, creating safety and room to be moved by the meaning and spirit of devotion, surrender, ecstasy, purification and redemption.
The tantric domina training
- This training is suitable for those who wish to practice this healing ceremony for their beloved in a relationship, for partners in tantric meetings or professionally for clients.
- You will learn the six positions for receiving punishment and the six instruments of punishment, each with their own special energy and associations.
- You will learn to create and hold sacred space.
- You will learn to understand and communicate the process of transformation as it unfolds step by step.
- You will learn to explore safely the edge between pain and pleasure, a place of healing where this duality is transcended.
- You will learn to take your sub into altered states of consciousness.
- You will learn to access your energy and power and express it consciously and controlledly with safety.
- You will learn to give pleasure without feeling used, but with satisfaction in the act of giving.